into my now former hyper masculine being.
Finale of winter’s slumber – with spring’s rejuvenation just beyond the horizon.
This composition is solely based on the current understanding of my inspired transformation. Please understand that I am only relating my personal experience and insights about this aspect of my wellness journey. I do hope this story brings you some value.
Upon finishing this article today I found what I consider to be a compelling poetic expression and I’ve been inspired to share a link with you at the end of this article.
I believe each individual’s life journey is quite diverse and as such can also be easily misunderstood, especially when perceived with judgement and criticism. Are you open minded and curious? If so, I’m excited to share the following with you and look forward to your considerate comments.
I’ve been on a transformative gender journey for the past few years and the inner changes have become far more profound than the outer appearance – to me, and I’m thinking to those closest to me as well. My transformation certainly seems to be effecting most of my relationships in a very wonderful way, though a few people that were close to me now wield judgement and have alienated themselves, for now anyways. Perhaps that will change.
That hasn’t stopped me though – in fact, it’s actually added fuel to my fire, so to say. I’m determined to evolve strategically and strengthened my resolve to continue my journey. I value diversity, adventure, and seek to learn and grow, which involves trying new things; like how I present myself outwardly and even more importantly living according to my value of being authentic. This seems to be a vital part of my transformation – overcoming the initial fear of rejection and taking inspired action in my physical, emotional, and spiritual evolution.
How I choose to dress myself, with mostly what’s considered or labelled women’s clothing and accessories, differentiates me from most guys. This may cause some people to label me as a tranny, queer, or whatever, which could even lead to discrimination and upset. That’s just part of fascist and archaic social conditioning and will hopefully disintegrate soon.
Again, this doesn’t hold me back – it actually inspires me to take action. I like how I dress and feel, and that’s all that really matters. I choose to embody creativity, diversity, and inclusiveness.
The biggest change I’ve personally realized is in the unseen, which can’t be understood with a closed and judgemental mind. When we can look past discriminatory social conditioning and seek to understand and accept a person as they are – awareness, connection, and possibly even appreciation can occur.
About a year ago I started on HRT (hormone replacement therapy). Basically this has resulted in a major shift of awareness for me and is something that has certainly exceeded my expectations in so many ways. I’m still going through the process. However, what I’m already experiencing is far more amazing than I could have anticipated.
The first three months of taking a starter dose of testosterone blocker prepared my body for what was to come.
The blocker dose was then increased and an estrogen patch was added to my therapy. This took several more months to realize any noticeable, yet subtle changes.
After about nine months though; I began to notice a few more physical changes. My body hair grew a little slower, my libido decreased, and I had these little sensitive lumps forming behind my nipples. These changes were still quite minor, however, certainly welcome.
The physical changes have continued to progress and after just over a year are now far more pronounced, which I’m really appreciating – yet now ‘introspectively’ there’s so much more that seems to be enhanced by the HRT.
I feel the HRT has helped me to be more aware of and connect deeper with a wide range of my feelings and that seems to have helped effect a stillness in my soul.
I had read about some of the emotional effects before started the therapy and it was encouraging to say the least, yet I had no idea how much of an impact it would have on me. Admittedly, I imagined that I would be more sensitive and that has certainly been the case, however, the inner awareness, expansiveness, and stillness that I’m enjoying are the most profound aspect of my experience now.
Instead of living mainly on the surface level of my being and often in the turmoil of my outer experience of the world, I’m learning to explore the depth of my soul by connecting with my heart. An insight emerges; we don’t yet know what wonders reside beyond our current state of awareness. I’ve heard about “inner work” and now am on a mission to learn, understand, and implement change based on my revised values.
What has also become significant is embracing something I had no previous concept of – attributes of the Divine Feminine! What is that? To me it’s become a totally different way to experience my life. Instead of living by my default conditioning of being a fixer or worse a forcer, I’m intentionally becoming a creative experiencer and nurturer.
I became more aware of the Divine Feminine attributes through several teachers on my preferred meditation app ‘Insight Timer’ and writers on ‘Medium’. Can’t say I totally get it yet, however, I’m experiencing and learning about it more.
Actually, just “Googled” the term and of-course there’s lots of information from what I can see, so I’m going to stick to relating my personal experience and aspirations.
For me connecting with and practising specific Divine Feminine attributes, such as; forgiveness, compassion, and intuition can lead to an inspired life that exemplifies unconditional love and actively being of part of the creation process.
Increasingly this becomes a fundamental element of my transformation that allows me to get out of my conditioned busy-mind only mode of reactive and impulsive living that’s riddled with obsession and distractions.
This new awareness and intention allows me to observe my thoughts and then experience and identify my feelings, which helps connect me viscerally to my heart-centre and that results in a stillness of my spirit.
I’ve come to realize the importance of loving myself, so that I can then truly love others, which is very important to me – especially now in my life. I can only give what I have an abundance of and so must cultivate it first within myself. This is the most profound insight that I’ve intentionally integrated into my being.
I’m even learning to appreciate and love my body just as it is – and treat it as the amazing gift that it is. Holistic wellness has become crucial to me.
My awareness is now expanding into other areas of my spiritual being, including my heart guided intuition and gut instincts. I’ve also become aware of and am learning more about the third-eye and how to activate it, which is believed to among other things help to increase clarity and an enhanced visionary perspective. From my understanding this is all considered part of neuroscience now.
I admit that some of these concepts are still quite foreign to me, however, my life is an inspired journey with ever increasing purpose and meaning – and as such each moment is to be appreciated as it is. Making progress is what matters most.
Overall I’m so grateful to now have a mostly still mind and peaceful soul that abounds in appreciation. This I attribute, at least in part, to meditation, my gender journey, and the resulting transformation.
It’s enjoyable to live free of drama, distraction, and addictions. Faith and the associated values continue to be the core element and inspiration for my transformation. To me it’s amazing how struggles can be transformed into strength.
Hopefully what I’ve shared provides you with some insights and is a benefit to your wellness journey.
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Here’s the compelling poetic expression by Nicola Lucie that I’d like to share with you:
https://medium.com/@nicolalucie/the-shadow-side-of-shakti-a72b670fe0a7
